I have two words to describe my life this past year:
I love to write letters. Little in life makes me happier than sending mail. They contain the great adventures of my life, both happy and sad, and the quiet moments of contemplation that I consider brilliant. I found my letters dwindling this past year–especially this last semester as I had nothing new to report. As the days went by I felt increasingly stagnant as I had no leads on my life’s direction. And worse, as a woman who has always had a strong sense of herself, I feared proclaiming something only to have my mind change and revoke the statement.
I find this greatly troubling–the lack of direction thing. These past few months I have found myself more and more confused and completely uninspired as to where I should be going next. And whats more, every time I would think I would want something, I would change my mind a few days–or even a few moments–later. I felt not myself and continually wondered how someone with such direction, such desire to accomplish her dreams, suddenly felt so lost in a sea of options.
When I started my grad school search people would always ask, “Which are you hoping for most? If you could go anywhere, where would you go?” My answer: Where God wants me to go. Where am I going to grad school? What am I doing with my life? My prayers, for nearly a year now, have been, “God, I will go to ____, just tell me to. Give me a reason to go!” But that reason, that push, that inspiration, has not come. And whether its because He is holding out on me or because my life is too cluttered to hear the message, I continue to feel lost in my search for a school. A place to call home.
In the past few weeks, as I graduated and listened to my friends tell tales of their upcoming adventures and lives, I was shaken to the core. If I lack direction, how can I find a way?
So I’m starting over. I’m trying to find a focus. And most importantly, a home.
I’m moving to Chicago. (or at least I think I am–I have every ability to change my mind or be called somewhere else). That is step one. I’m telling you that I am taking action. Chicago what I believe to be my home–at least for now, it contains the people that make me who I am and more of who I want to be. While no other city gave me reason enough to move to it, my family and friends are reason enough to stay. Aside from God, they are all that I have right now. They are all that I know, and I have this inkling that there is something keeping me around. Unfinished business. Or simply love. Chicago is where I’m placing my focus. I am unsure if that means grad school in the fall, or a job, or a hunt for a new career, but its a start. And I am at peace with it.
It is a place to rest my weary head.
This announcement might not be a surprise to any of you. But it is for me. This is a big deal. This is me telling you that although I still do not know what is going on in my life, I’m at least trying to figure it out…and to tell you about it along the way. Please confront me with any questions or comments. i will do my best to answer them.